Hi everyone, this is Adam, with an important post essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
The best thing in the world is friends who listen to you, who acknowledge you,
and most of all- who let you walk on your own way. But when you need support, they are there, to walk at your side.
A problem in friendships comes when there is too much advice-giving. People have a need to give advice. Most of the time advice is not given for the other. It is given for oneself. We feel unsure about what to say or how to just listen. We can feel uncomfortable being silent and want to fill the space. And people have pride. We want people to look at us and see how sagely and smart we are.
Men can be particularly bad offenders at this, because men value competence, and it makes them feel good when helpful. But women make this mistake too.
Giving advice when someone asks for help is one of the worst things you can do- even when they ask for it. People call because they want to be heard and they want their feelings to be acknowledged. They are not yet ready to make up their mind about what to do. Your advice, while well-meaning and smart, is not what they are looking for.
People generally know what they need to do. They call somebody because they're in a
frantic state of mind and they need relief. They need somebody to be with them so they are not alone. So, when somebody calls you, never hijack it with advice.
Also please be careful not to add your own story about how that also happened to you. This is "me" time for the caller. That is being a friend.
When someone comes to you for advice, you just simply listen to them. You nod your head, and say, "Yeah I hear that," "That's really hard,""Oh, I can't believe that happened to you," "Wow." You show empathetic words and ask facilitative questions, like "how did that make you feel?" These are things which will get the person to feel heard and understood. Allow themselves to unburden their load. That will make them feel better, and that's the real reason they called.
As a matter of fact, when you call somebody for help and you give them advice, or you
start talking about yourself and your own story; the person walks away feeling worse, and angry at you.
Always, when someone calls you for help, please just be a calm, listening presence. Be somebody who will walk with them. This is advice that I've learned through my experience as a psychotherapist, chaplain, and healer. It also applies for everyone you have a relationship with: your family, co-workers, and of course, your friends.
By the way, you really shouldn't ask family or people who are too close to you for advice, even though they love you the most. This is because they have their own dogs in the game. They will not be able to see clearly and objectively. Even if it's just that they don't want to see their loved one going through something bad and they want to help.
Anyhow, people know the answers to their questions. They just want somebody to
listen, and acknowledge and care about what they have to say. So please don't give them
advice. Just be present for them.
Oftentimes, if I find if I'm calling somebody else for help, and I know the person may not know how to listen, I will say to them at the beginning of the conversation, "Right now
I'm not looking for advice. I just want to be heard." It makes a big difference if you tell
people that, because you're not offending them. You're not telling them they're not
smart or good. You're saying, in essence, "I care about you, enough that you are the person I trust to call in this time, but right now this is about my needs." Sometimes you have to make it about you, and that's okay. You'll be there for them too when they need it. And when you call, don't ask the listener right away questions about their life, because then you will get frustrated in short order and have to redirect the flow to let them know why you really called. And that may upset them.
Maybe, in that same conversation, later, after you've unburdened yourself, and
you feel a little better, then you can start talking about solutions and asking for actual advice. But maybe not, maybe you are weeks away from being able to do that. If you are the listening party and you feel they may be ready for actual advice, you should simply ask them, "Can I tell you what I think about this?" The ask makes a HUGE difference. But be ready for them to say no or get frustrated with this. You really have to be careful when giving advice.
As a friend your number one job is just to listen, to hold space, to show
empathy and walk on the journey with them. So don't say me too! Don't challenge them! Don't attack them! In other words, don't make this about you. You will not solve their problem, and they will have a new problem: being angry at you.
Learn how to be a good friend- it's the best skill you can have in life.
This will help you have a life full of enrichment, purpose and deep connection.
Have a great day!
If you're looking for help, I am available for psychotherapy and coaching.
Take care, Adam.
Photo above by Chang Duong on Unsplash
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